Something of a Good Joke
by GlitterTrails
Summary: Will an intimidating audience member turn Tino's struggling stand up routine into a horror show or a romantic comedy? Future!AU Human names used.
1. Stanley Sharp Stare

**Date: March 16, 2198**

**Location: Space Outpost orbiting Alpha Centauri, A and L Liquor Lounge**

**Back story: Humankind has been at war with the pictonians for over half a century. After decades of struggle, humanity has finally gotten the upper hand. The war is considered to be mostly won by this point, and many of the soldiers on the front line are being brought back home.**

**Tino Väinämöinen is a stand up comedian who is starting to lose his edge due to worsening anxiety disorder. Despite this challenge, he is determined to try and laugh his troubles off and continue performing. Tonight he is doing a charity performance free of charge for an audience of recently discharged wounded veterans.**

"I highly encourage ya to take advantage of the free beverages being offered over at the bar, because the more liquor ya consume, the more funny I've going to seem, heh!"

There were a few polite chuckles and weak smiles from the audience. Tino got a sinking feeling inside.

_Maybe those reviews I read were right. Maybe I am starting to become less entertaining. Gah, no! No, my career can't go on a downward slope yet, I'm not even 25! Come on Tino, ya can make 'em laugh, believe in yourself!_

Tino gave them all a nervous smile and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Heh, sounds like ya guys need some more drinks."

The audience half-laughed a little more. Every audience member wore a facial expression that conveyed either pity, boredom or a mixture of the two. Every audience member, that is, except for a tall, blonde, bespectacled man in the back who was scowling at him with a look of murderous malice.

_Oh geez, he doesn't look happy at all! I've never considered it but maybe someone could be so bored by my routine that they'd want to kill me. Heh wait, that's silly! Nobody reacts like that, right?_

"S-so my mom bought me a headband for St. Patrick's day tomorrow. It's a great headband, has a little light-up shamrock on the top and everything. But ya see, I'm really nervous to wear this headband, because I'm pasty white and slightly chubby so I'm concerned that if I wear this headband I'm going to get a mistaken for a pictonian."

Tino internally sighed with relief as the audience finally gave him a bit of genuine laughter. He briefly glanced at Stanley Sharp-Stare and then quickly glanced away when he saw that the man still looked like he wanted to take his prosthetic hand and use it to crush Tino's throat.

"Ya know, nobody wants to be turned into a pictonian. But if I did get turned into one it'd be a lot easier to find the restroom on a dark night with the power goes out."

_Giggling, __yes__!_ Tino had them giggling, that was a good sign. Maybe his career wasn't dying after all. Maybe he still had it. Maybe his best days weren't in the past.

"Of course the disadvantage is that I would never again stand a chance at winning a game of flashlight tag. Ya know, that's one thing the pictonians will never have on us. Superior technology, better unity, fine, they beat us there, but those guys would never, _ever_ beat us at flashlight tag, am I right?"

That got some applause. One didn't need to try hard to get a bunch of wounded war veterans to laugh at the expense of the enemy.

"So I read in the news last week that a Margie Marshmallow * franchise had their inflatable mascot disappear. I wonder if it was a pictonian that saw Margie and said "Oh hey Baby, how ya doing? If you're free tonight then ya, me and this lantern fish can come over to my place for some of the three-way down-n-dirties.""

Of course that worked. Very few scenarios failed to become more comical with the addition of a lantern fish. With the exception of Stanley Sharp-Stare, Tino now had everyone in the audience at least chuckling. He gave them all a warm smile before remembering the announcement he was supposed to make.

"So while we're on the topic of pictonians getting lucky, I would like to announce the lucky winner of this 50 credit gift card for iTunes * *, door prize courtesy of A and L Liquor Lounge."

The room quieted down as Tino pulled a slip of paper* * * out of a plastic bowl and read it aloud.

"And the lucky winner is in Table G, Seat 14! Table G Seat 14, come on up to the stage and claim your prize! Unless ya don't want it, in which case I get to download 50 credits worth of belly dancing music, ha ha ha!"

There was a sound of a chair scooting backwards followed by the echo of approaching footsteps. When Tino looked up and saw the identity of the approaching figure he gasped and nearly dropped the microphone out of fright.

"Stanley Sharp-Stare" was climbing up the steps to the stage, his intimidating expression seeming more ice cold than ever.

"Holy...Martin...L-lantern Fish..."

***Margie Marshmallow is an imaginary ice cream franchise with a logo that looks...well, marshmallowy.**

*** * We're going to assume that iTunes is still around in 2198.**

*** * *And so, for some reason, is paper. Maybe the war with the pictonians kept us from going digital as fast as we anticipated.**


	2. Lantern Fish are Funny

You wouldn't know it from looking at him, but Corporal Berwald Oxenstierna was highly entertained by the silly little man up on stage. War injuries prevented any of his amusement from showing up on his face, but mentally Berwald was rolling around on the floor in stitches. This was great! He'd have to look online later tonight to see if he could find some recordings of Tino's other acts.

"So while we're on the topic of pictonians getting lucky, I would like to announce the lucky winner of this 50 credit gift card for iTunes, door prize courtesy of A and L Liquor Lounge."

_Nh, gettin' lucky with a lantern fish. Pfft. This guy is cracking me up!_

"And the lucky winner is in Table G, Seat 14! Table G Seat 14, come on up to the stage and claim your prize!"

Berwald glanced at the letter in the center of the table.

_Hey, I'm at Table G..._

He turned around and checked the number on the back of his seat.

_And I'm in seat 14! I can't believe it, I've never won a drawing for a door prize in m' life._

"Unless ya don't want it, in which case I get to download 50 credits worth of belly dancing music, ha ha ha."

_Ha ha, belly dancing..._ Berwald smiled internally as he got up from his seat and started to walk up to the stage. He tried to imagine the funny little man with the microphone in a skimpy belly dancing outfit. He couldn't, it was just too silly.

_Nh, Tino is a goofball,_ Berwald concluded as he reached the steps and started climbing up the stage. _Hm, kind of an adorable goofball too,_ he noted as Tino turned and looked down at him. _Big eyes, fluffy head, kinda twitchy, sort of like a bunny rabbit. Cute._

"Holy Martin L-lantern fish..." Tino squeaked as his gaze met Berwald's.

_Ha ha ha ha, lantern fish..._ Berwald chuckled in his mind. _I'll never think about lantern fish th' same way again._

"Oh, hello there! Ha ha ha, yah...come on up!"

_Dang it!_ Berwald thought to himself as he stepped up right beside Tino. _Nh, should have thought t' bring a pen or something so I could ask for his autograph. Oh well, maybe I could ask him after the show._

"So, lucky door prize winner, what's your name?"

"Berwald," Berwald answered, startled when he heard his own voice over the sound system.

"Berwald? Holy moly do ya have a deep voice! Do ya ever get pulled over by the police for having illegally high limits of testosterone in your blood?"

The audience laughed as Berwald felt a pink glow starting to creep across his face.

"Here, let me pick up some of that abundant excess manliness that's radiating from your form," Berwald's pulse quickened as Tino rubbed Berwald's arm and then patted himself on the head "There we go. Geez, I'd have to go through puberty like five times to be half as masculine as ya are!"

"Hm," Berwald's face glowed an even brighter pink as he looked down at his shoes, wishing he had something clever to say back. It was hard to think when someone as cute as Tino was taking notice of his masculinity.

_Is he...flirting with m'? Nah, what am I talking about? He's a cute celebrity 'nd I'm a nobody with a missing hand. He's probably just being nice._

"Poor guy, just got done serving his time in a war to preserve humankind and here I am embarrassing him. Here ya go Berwald, congratulations! Hope ya can find lots of awesome, manly songs to listen to while ya do infinity reps of everything for your workout routine."

"Thank ya," Berwald mumbled as he accepted the gift card and reluctantly stepped off of the stage. Drat! That was probably the only chance he'd ever have to talk to Tino in his life. And he'd totally blown it!

_Oh well_, Berwald consoled himself as he sat back down. Maybe the audience would have a chance to talk to Tino after the show. Maybe Berwald ask for his autograph and then tell him manly impressive things while Tino was writing his signature.

"_T' tell ya th' truth I can't really do infinity reps of everything. But I can bench 270 kilograms…"_

"_Holy moly! Ya really are super strong."_

"…_with one arm."_

"_Oh my goodness! You're so attractive and manly that I totally want t' go on a dinner date with ya so we can tell each other jokes about lantern fish!"_

_Heh heh, _Berwald chuckled inside as he looked back up at the stage. _Lantern fish…_


	3. Anxiety and Longing

" Ha ha ha la tee da, and I am perfectly calm and definitely not traumatized, heh heh heh!" Tino sang quietly to himself as he unlocked the door to his hotel room and stepped inside. Once the door was closed behind him, Tino dashed into the dark room, flung himself onto the bed, buried his head into his pillow and let out a small, muffled scream."

"AIHHH! Holy Milky Way that guy was scary. It's like his eyes were shooting lasers into me and he could see all my deepest and darkest thoughts and everything I had for breakfast this morning!"

Tino stifled a sob and rolled over onto his back. "Although I have to say, breakfast this morning was pretty good. I mean, all the food was cylinder shaped and kind of tasted like plastic, but it's not too bad yah? Hotel breakfasts are still way better than what I eat at home."

He sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. "I like thinking about breakfast, it's a lot more calming than thinking about that Berwald guy. Wait, dang it! Now I'm thinking about that Berwald guy again. Oh man, what was I thinking? Blathering on about testosterone and things like that...now he's going to use his beautifully ripped biceps and stuff to strangle me as punishment for embarrassing him on stage! I can't deal with this. I seriously can't deal with this!"

Tino sniffled before reaching over to the side table drawer, pulling out some of his panic attack medication and swallowing it with some bottled water.

_Berwald, scary faced strong guy..._Tino thought as he drifted off into a drug-induced _sleep ...I'm sorry ya hated the show tonight and that I made ya upset when ya were on stage. I wish I could go back and stop myself from saying anything..._

_...Wish I could go back in time and record all the things he said t' me,_ thought Berwald as he laid back on his bed in the military bunker for one last night. _The memory is getting fuzzy already. Think it was something about how I was masculine, had high levels of testosterone and could bench an infinite number of lantern fish. Heh,_ Berwald blushed at the memory of earlier that night, _heh heh, lantern fish..._

He pulled out his "chunky" old computer, which was about the size of a saltine cracker, and looked up Tino's name on a search engine.

The public arrest records came up. Tino was wanted on 25 accounts of arson and 10 cases of first degree murder.

_HUAH?! Nh, wait, that's a different Tino. Suppose I'd better specify._

Berwald entered in "A and L Liquor Lounge" and looked up "current and upcoming entertainment". Before he'd finished reading Tino's obscenely long last name, Berwald noticed that the comedian was performing tomorrow night at the same location.

And there were still tickets for sale.

**-Confirm order of one adult ticket?-**

Berwald's sense of hope was inflating like an agitated puffer fish as he pressed "enter". He'd get to see Tino again tomorrow! Maybe this time the comedian would have time to stick around after the show and sign autographs. This was beyond fantastic. Berwald couldn't believe he was getting another chance.

After he finished ordering his ticket, Berwald shut off his computer and closed his eyes. A giddy feeling of excitement enveloped his insides. For the first time in over a year, Berwald was not haunted by the sound of laser fire and the horrified screams of his comrades as they turned into pictonians. For the first time in a year, Berwald would be glad to wake up alive in the morning.

_Thank ya, Tino_, thought Berwald as he slipped away into a peaceful slumber. _Ya lit up m' world like a lantern fish. Heh heh, lantern fish…_


	4. Your Mom Last Night

"So there's been a lot of discussion about what makes somebody the kind of leader people want to follow. Some people say it's charisma, some people say it's sincerity, some people say it's smelling like a freshly baked apple pie..."

Berwald chuckled silently. _Apple pie...so silly._ He was so glad he'd bought a ticket to tonight's show. Tino was even funnier now than the night before. Somebody else had won the door prize this time, but that was okay. Berwald had been struck with a streak of shyness when he'd first come in and sat down in the darkest part of the room. He was okay with Tino not noticing him until he asked for the cute comedian's autograph after the show.

"Now all these things are good and useful and all that. But if ya watch action movies, which of course are the best resources for learning about real world leadership…"

Mentally Berwald's snickers joined those of the audience members around him.

"...then ya know what really makes a follow-worthy leader is the ability to come up with three part plans."

The audience gave a weak, confused-sounding laugh.

"Just think about it for a minute. It doesn't matter how unlikable or smelly a person is, if they tell you that they have a way to escape Lord Evilface's castle and all they need is a crossbow, a chocolate bar and a lantern fish, ya _will_ follow them. Am I right?"

_HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, ah Lantern Fish..._ Berwald grinned internally as the people around him erupted in laughter.

"And ya see it doesn't work if someone says that all they need is a crossbow. Then ya think they're just overconfident and reckless. And ya can't say ya just need a crossbow and a chocolate bar, because then people think you're a reckless person trying to get a snack out of them. But if ya mention the crossbow, a chocolate bar and a lantern fish, then people are so mystified that they think ya have some organized secret master plan."

_Somehow_, Berwald noted, _that all kind of makes sense in an odd way..._

"It's a little odd, but people just really like things to be in sets of three. So if ya can make up three part plans, people will be confident in your leadership. But ya can't just go naming any three things. Like if ya say "We'll need a hamburger, an order of fries and a milkshake." people won't think you're leading. They'll think you're ordering fast food. Or trying to bribe President Alfred F. Jones, one of the two."

Berwald clapped along with the other audience members. He didn't know how President Alfred F. Jones just got brought into the discussion, but somehow it worked.

_Silly Tino…_

"So I've come up with a formula for making these three part plans. To make a plan properly, ya need to have a weapon, a food item and an animal. Like say 'For this plan to work we're going to need a harpoon, a cheese stick and a sickly water buffalo.'"

_Ha ha ha, what? Where does he come up with these things?_

"Of course, for the weapon, whatever ya choose doesn't have to be something people normally recognize as a weapon. Like a handgun would work okay, but so would a welding torch, toothpicks and anything Arthur Kirkland tries to cook."

_Heh heh, sick burn._

"Usually scones would be a food item, but his scones are in their own category. I'm amazed they haven't tried using those in our war on the Pictonians. Guess that'd be inhumane warfare techniques, yah?"

_Pfft. Nh, maybe I shoulda tried that when I was out on th' frontlines._

"So ya have your food, ya have your weapon...animals. Ya know people are animals too technically, so adding celebrities to your list is within the rules. So ya can have a master plan that requires a steel cable, banana bread and Gilbert Beilschmidt."

The audience members were all giggling now. Berwald would definitely be laughing as well if he had the capacity.

"Yah, zat vould be an awesome plan!" Tino exclaimed in a fairly bad but also fairly entertaining impression of Gilbert's accent. "So what do ya think? Are ya guys ready to make up a three part plan of your own?"

The audience cheered loudly and Berwald sat up in his seat. This should be interesting.

"Alright then, first things first. What should the weapon be?"

"A lead pipe!" someone old enough to remember the board game "Clue" called out.

"A lead pipe?" Tino clarified "Well of course, can't have a master plan without the risk of lead poisoning. Alright then, what about a food item?"

"Sour Cream!" suggested another audience member.

"Sour cream? Ha ha, okay, see we're going for healthy things tonight. Alright, last part. Person or animal, what should we use?"

"Your mom last night!" shouted the obligatory obnoxious young person.

"...My mom last night? Wha-?" Tino laughed a bit "Well, okay then. So our plan of action and leadership requires sour cream, a lead pipe and my mother last night. Ya know, when I said this was supposed to be a master plan of action I didn't mean _that_ kind of action."

_Oh m' goodness..._ Berwald covered his face with his hands. _Yer so silly Tino. Yer cute but yer also a naughty goofball, which makes ya even cuter. What am I going t' do with ya?_

"Looks like I'm going to have to call my mom after this, ask her what she's been getting into with my audience members. Ah, ya guys are silly. I had like a couple more lines I was going to say, but I don't think anything of them are worthy to follow the steamy hot action that all of ya have apparently been participating in with my dear, sweet mother. So I'll thank Antonio and Lovino for giving us such a wonderful venue for tonight's show and wish ya all a good evening! Thanks everyone!"

The lights came on and a wave of pink immediately flooded Berwald's face. Oh boy, time to ask for Tino's autograph. Hopefully Tino would actually stay for a while after the show and not sprint offstage screaming like he had the night before. Yeah, that had been kind of random...

Oh, nope. Tino was sticking around. The comedian was already talking, laughing and signing things for the audience members in the front row.

_Okay Berwald, no big deal. Ya can do this. He won't think a thing of it. Probably doesn't even remember ya from last night..._

Berwald fumbled for the fancy pen and paper he'd bought from an antique store just for this occasion and slowly made his way towards the stage. People were now waiting in line for the chance to talk to Tino. There were about fifteen people ahead of Berwald. No worries, still time to put himself together before it was his turn.

_Nh, calm down..._ Berwald told himself as he smoothed back his hair and looked down at his feet. _Just asking for his autograph. Just asking for a cute comedian's autograph. Ya faced down th' pictonian swarm with ya and yer squad members outnumbered fifty t' one, ya can ask a cute, funny guy for his signature..._

Ten people ahead of him. Berwald looked over at the clock on the wall. What if Tino had to leave before Berwald got to talk to him? No, no that wouldn't happen. He'd get his chance.

Six people ahead of him. _I could just run away and forget that I tried t' talk to him a second time... _Berwald contemplated. _After all, I'll probably make even more of a fool of myself than th' first time..._

Three people ahead of him. Too late to run now. _How'd it get so warm in here? Starting t' feel kinda lightheaded 'nd dizzy..._

One person ahead of him. _Could still run. No, come on Berwald, ya were thinking about this moment all day long..._

Tino finished shaking hands with the person in front of him, and then turned to look up at the nervous veteran's face. There was a pause as Berwald watched those bright brown eyes look him over and then widen with recognition.

_He...remembers me..._ Berwald thought as a warmth spread through his chest. _That's a good thi-_

"AIHHHHHH!"


	5. Can of Dorado Grass Cheese

"AIHHH! AHHH- ha ha ha!" Tino's scream subsided into nervous laughter. "Oh my goodness, it's Terrence Testosterone with his laser vision of doom. Ha ha! How are ya, Sir Tall and Serious?"

"Hm," the scary audience member glared down at him unblinkingly. Tino's memory had not exaggerated the intensity of the man's stare. His face was every bit frightening in real life as it had been in Tino's nightmares.

"Ha ha, um, Berwald, wasn't it? Ya won the door prize. Have ya been enjoying it?"

"Yah."

"Oh good, I'm glad to hear it! So um, what can I do for ya?"

Berwald mumbled something incoherent and held out a fairly expensive looking antique pen and pad of paper.

"Umm..." Tino took the pen and paper from him "Can of dorado grass cheese?"

"Nh," Berwald cleared his throat "Autograph?"

"Oh. Ha ha ha! Ah my hearing totally sucks! Yah, I'll sign this for ya."

Tino was pretty sure he signed his name less sloppily as a kindergartner than he did that night as he trembled under Berwald's smoldering gaze.

"Nice writing utensil, by the way," Tino commented as he handed the pen and paper back to Berwald "I like how long and shiny it is, heh heh!"

"Thanks," Berwald murmured in that low, monotone voice. Tino gasped and stepped back as Berwald reached out for him. His heartbeat rang in his ears as Berwald gripped Tino's hand, gently squeezed it for a few frightening seconds, and then let go.

_I-what-he-just…HUNH?!_ Tino stood paralyzed as he watched Berwald turn and walk away.

"Mr. Väinämöinen? Mr. Väinämöinen, are you alright? Mr. Väinämöinen?"

Tino nodded as he drew his hands close to his heart and watched Berwald's blonde head disappear behind the door. He couldn't tell if a soft handshake from the hard faced man had meant that his problems were over or that his problems had just barely started.


	6. Alternate Explanation

"…and just remembering it is giving me nightmares! And nightmares are the last thing I need because my worsening anxiety disorder is already making it harder to me to do my stand up routine. And if I get to the point where nobody likes my stand up routine anymore then I won't have the money to help pay for my father's and sister's medical bills. The stress is too much for me, I can't take it! I seriously can't take it! It's too unfair!"

"Tino, my friend," Dr. Roman Empire looked up from his clipboard "Your concerns are all completely understandable. However if you keep squeezing that throw pillow so hard it's going to explode."

"Oh, right…" Tino released his hold on the fuzzy red pillow and placed it on the opposite end of the couch. "Heh, sorry about that."

"Hey, it's okay! No worries," Dr. Roman Empire scrolled down to a new empty page on his clipboard "Why don't we back up a little bit? So this audience member…what did you say his name was?"

"Ber-Berwald…" Tino shuddered and picked up the red, fuzzy pillow again. "When I first saw him though, before he came up on stage, I nicknamed him "Stanley Sharp-Stare". Because it looked like he was staring into my soul, ya know?"

"You were looking at him before he came up on stage?"

"Yah, I noticed him at the very start of the show. He stood out to me."

"Aha! I see. Can you tell me about what he was like?"

"Well..." Tino closed his eyes as he remembered "He was tall, covered in muscle and had this crazy low voice. Like insanely low. I mean, the man just radiated testosterone. And I told him that too because I wasn't thinking! That's the thing I hate is that when I'm nervous I can't shut up! Gah!" Tino whacked himself in the face with the throw pillow "It's-" *whack* "-so-" *whack* "-frustrating!"

"Hey, it's okay my friend. Lots of people release anxiety by talking a lot. No need to whack yourself over the head about it."

"Oh. Right, ha ha!" Tino set the pillow down again. "Right...so anyways..."

"So you told Berwald that he radiated testosterone?"

"Um, yes..." Tino sighed and covered his face "And now he probably hates me for saying that in front of everyone on stage. Probably wants to use his gorgeously sculpted arm muscles to punch me in the face!"

"I...seriously doubt that, Tino," Dr. Roman Empire commented as he jotted down more notes on his clipboard. "He came back to the next night's show and asked for your autograph, yes? If anything Tino, I think you have an admirer."

"Ad-ADMIRER?!" Tino jolted back up in his seat and looked back at his therapist with wide, panicked eyes. His round face was slowly filling up with red like a thermometer as he covered his mouth. "Are-are ya serious?"

"It's a strong possibility," Roman Empire admitted as he placed his clipboard back on his desk. "He may have thought that you were flirting with him when you commented on his masculinity."

"Wha-WHAT?!" Tino's anxious state had now dissolved into a huge murky puddle of confusion "Flirting? But…WHAT?! But…that look on his face, he looked like he wanted to snap me in half! And he didn't laugh at all during the show. He didn't even smile!"

"Didn't you say that you first saw him at a charity performance you were doing for veterans?"

"Yes?"

"It's possible that his injuries on the battlefield prevent him from smiling or laughing."

Tino's mouth fell open. He replayed the memories in his mind while taking into account that Berwald's menacing scowl may not have been intentional. When you took that away, Berwald...Berwald just seemed like a tall, quiet and adorably shy guy.

"Oh no..." Tino's face fell "If that's true...Oh no! If that's true then his feelings were probably hurt when I screamed at the sight of him and told him that he had super stare laser vision of doom!"

"You screamed at the sight of him?"

"Yes because I wasn't thinking about all that! Gah, I suck! I can't believe I did that to him."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, it _is_ still possible that he was glaring at you because he has homicidal intent and was only getting your signature so that he could steal all the credits from your checking account after he killed you."

"Wha-WHAT?! Don't tell me that! Now it's worse than ever because I don't know what to think! I can't handle this! I seriously can't handle this!"

**Note: This is NOT how therapists are supposed to act. I have no idea who gave Grandpa Rome a counseling license. Whoever they are, they deserve to have at least eight rubber armadillos chucked at their windshield.**


	7. Unforgettable

"_With Easter just around the corner I decided it was probably high time for me to download a book called "How to throw an unforgettable Christmas Party"."_

After a number of these videos, Berwald was starting to get the impression that Tino was a bit obsessed with Christmas.

"_Though, it wasn't too long after I downloaded the book that I became very disappointed with the content. It was telling me all these ideas for games, food, decorations-oh, like nobody had ever seen __those__ at a Christmas party before. How is __that__ supposed to be unforgettable?"_

Berwald nodded. He had a point there.

"_The key to being unforgettable is originality, yah? Thus, I find that my best resources for ideas on how to throw an unforgettable Christmas party come from books that have __absolutely nothing__ to do with throwing Christmas parties. Like appliance repair manuals, ancient religious texts and the encyclopedia of migratory waterfowl."_

"_I guarantee that if ya have a Christmas party where ya put your guests in a leprosy quarantine camp with a flock of bean-geese and hand out toaster coils as party favors they will __not__ forget that experience."_

"_Now, your guests may not __enjoy__ it very much…"_

Berwald had to hit the pause button as he covered his mouth and dissolved into silent laughter. _Pfft!_ _Toaster coils…where __**does**__ this guy get these ideas? Ha ha ha, bean geese, ha ha ha ha ha ha!_

"_I said a Christmas Party that people would __never forget__, not one that'd people would want to __come back to__. If I wanted to do something conventional like be a 'welcoming' host, I'd have read that book and learned how to make cupcakes look like turtledoves and frankincense."_

A buzzer signaled the end of lunch break. Berwald shut off his computer and placed his barely-eaten sandwich back in the fridge. He'd again gotten too distracted to eat much, but that was alright. His craving for something to smile about was much greater than his desire for food.

_If only m' smile could actually show on m' face_, Berwald silently lamented as he walked back to his place in the spaceship assembly yard. _Maybe if I could then the man who has brought me so much happiness wouldn't be so deathly afraid of me._

Berwald felt terrible about that night about three weeks ago. He wanted so badly to apologize for frightening Tino, but he was afraid that if he tried to contact him that the comedian would just become traumatized again.

So Berwald settled for admiration from a distance. He bought all the recordings of Tino's routines that he could find and downloaded a short biography that'd been available on his website. From the biography Berwald learned that not only was Tino a very funny and very cute person, he was also a very selfless and charitable person. The comedian did free comedy workshops for high schools in low income areas and was a regular blood donor. 70% of Tino's income went to supporting his father and sister, both of whom were in a mental hospital for delusions and paranoia.

_He's such a good person. And I went and made his life worse... _Berwald sighed as he picked up a welding-laser and started working again_. Course, it was a complete accident, but I still kind feel like I suck at life for doing it. If only there was a way I could just sit down with him for a long time and explain myself...Yah, like __**that**__ would ever happen._

"Hey! Oxenstierna!" Charlie the Co-Worker called from nearby "You're a fan of stand up comedy, right? Always watching all those videos and stuff?"

"Yah," Berwald replied, blushing a bit as he realized that everyone in the workplace had probably noticed his infatuation by this point.

"I bet you're looking forward to the Funny Fest of Flowers then, huh?"

"Funny Fest...of Flowers?"

"Yeah! You know, where a bunch of popular comedians get together and do a big marathon of comedy sketches every spring. It's coming up in a couple weeks. Thought you'd know about it, your guy Tino is in there every year."

Berwald's heart sank. Another show of Tino's that he should avoid going to in order to not scare the poor guy.

"Yeah, and they do a bit at the end where they auction off dates with all the different performers as a way to earn money for charity. Kind of a strange sort of thing."

Berwald nearly dropped the welding laser in his hands.

"They're auctioning off a date with Tino?"

"Yeah, him and some other guys. Kind of an interesting sort of fundraiser, huh?"

"...I see..." Berwald fell silent and entered intense strategy planning mode, trying to determine the fastest way to run home from work that way he could try to buy a ticket to the Funny Fest of Flowers before they were all sold out.

_...If only there was a way I could just sit down with him for a long time..._

Berwald was pretty sure he'd just found a way.


	8. SOLD!

**Featuring advice on how to be ****attractive****!**

Berwald was not able to get a ticket to the Funny Fest of Flowers. They had been sold out for two months before he'd first heard about it.

However, as Berwald learned, one did not need a ticket to get into the charity auction after the show.

So now, here he was, waiting anxiously outside the auditorium for the end of the festival, debating with himself as to whether this was the best or worst idea he ever had.

_Worried Berwald: Nh, this is a terrible plan. He's going t' get scared and think I'm creepy for doing this._

_Hopeful Berwald: No no. It's fine. I'm going t' get a chance t' talk t' him 'nd explain t' him that I only __look__ like I'm mean 'nd angry. Plus this will show him how charitable I am for participating in the auction. Charity __is__ attractive._

_Worried Berwald: He __screamed__ out of __terror__ last time he saw me. That's __**not**__ good._

_Hopeful Berwald: Yah, but he also keeps mentioning my high testosterone levels. That __**is**__ good. Testosterone __is__ attractive._

_Worried Berwald: Ya can't be attracted t' someone who terrifies ya!_

_Hopeful Berwald: Sure ya can. Some people are terrifyingly attractive._

_Worried Berwald: I don't think I fit into that category._

_Hopeful Berwald: Maybe not, but I did bring this bouquet of flowers for him. Bringing flowers __is __attractive. _

However worried Berwald might have felt, Tino, who was backstage curled up in a ball under a travel blanket, felt about fifty times more so.

_Fearful Tino: Oh no, I suck! Nobody is going to want to pay to go on a date with me. Not after that incident at the show last week where I got three punch lines wrong in a row and had a panic attack on stage and had to end the performance early!_

_Positive Tino: Ah, come on. Nobody probably remembers or even cares about that._

_Fearful Tino: Nobody except for the __**fifty bazillion**__ critics online who say that it was just an inevitable explosion of badness that followed the trail of decline I've been going down._

_Positive Tino: What do those guys know? If they were talented or clever at all then they'd be writing comedy routines instead of criticizing them. Now come on, ya got to pull yourself together and do this! Even if the date only sells for five credits, it's five credits more to help homeless animals. You're here tonight to help make a difference, so go and make it!_

"Mr. Väinämöinen, you're next on stage."

"Ah, right! Yah, I'll be right there," Tino threw off the security blanket and grabbed his festival holiday headband that featured an antennae topped with a ball of plastic mistletoe.

"Alright, and the next fine young man to be auctioned off for a good cause is - Tino Väinämöinen!"

Tino smiled nervously as he was welcomed onto stage with a round of half-hearted applause.

"Ha ha, happy holidays everybody! It might be spring, but I can keep ya feeling jolly as holly no matter what season it is!" Tino winked at a thoroughly unimpressed crowd "Ha ha ha, eh..."

_Who let crickets into the auditorium?_

"Okay! Bid away, ladies and gentlemen! Let's see who will be meeting Mr. Väinämöinen under the mistletoe."

Tino's heart sank as the auditorium filled up with the fog of silence. Last year when he'd done this the audience members had been excitedly clicking away on their holographic keyboards to bid for a chance to spend an evening with him. But now...

"Okay, one bid for 10 credits! Just 10 credits? Come on now, your waiter is going to get tipped more than that tonight. Who will pay for this fine young man's company this evening?"

More silence. It was taking everything Tino had to keep that smile on his face.

_This is really it, isn't it? My career in comedy is done. Nobody likes me anymore. Papa, Sister, I'm so sorry-_

"450 credits! That's more the spirit! Do I have 451 credits?"

_Holy Lantern Fish, I love you!_ Tino thought to whoever had bid on him. _Whoever ya are, thank ya so much!_

"451 credits? No. Alright then, date with Tino Väinämöinen, 450 credits. Going once, going twice, SOLD! Come on up charitable citizen! We'll send someone to take you backstage and set you up for an evening of holiday cheer!"

Tino sighed with relief as he walked off stage. 450 credits. Not bad. 1550 credits less than last year, but still, not bad.

_I wonder who I'm going on a date with this year...They can't be creepier than that Ivan guy who I went out with last year, right? Ah well, in any case it's 450 credits going towards helping homeless animals._

Tino opened the door to the waiting room and watched as an usher led a tall figure inside. He blushed when he noticed a large bouquet of roses in the figure's hand.

_Aww...he bought me flowers! What a gentleman! That's much better than the bouquet of lead pipes that Ivan fellow brought last year. This guy seems sweet. I bet this evening with him will be lots of fun._

And then the stranger stepped out of the shadows. That's when Tino realized that the stranger was actually not a stranger at all.

"...Ber-Berwald?"


	9. Stupid Spontaneity

"Ber-Berwald?" Tino gasped and took a step back. Those laser sharp eyes that'd haunted his nightmares were now staring down at him with such intensity that Tino half-expected to burst into flames.

_W-wait…Dr. Roman Empire said he might just be a shy fellow who can't help that he has a permanently scary facial expression. It-it wouldn't make sense for me to be afraid of him if that was the case, yah?_

"Hm," Berwald replied as he took a step closer. He held out the bouquet of pink roses towards Tino. "Here."

"Ah…huh?" Tino stared blankly at Berwald for several long seconds. "Oh! Oh, thank ya! Ah ha ha ha!" he laughed nervously as he accepted the bouquet. "Sorry, I was just surprised. Nobody besides my mom has ever bought me flowers before-I have no idea why I'm telling ya that. I guess I just talk a lot when I'm nervous, ha ha ha!"

"Hm," Berwald continued scowling at him. Or maybe…not scowling? Maybe he was smiling and it just looked the same as when he scowled.

"Wha-what about ya? Do ya talk a lot when you're nervous?"

"Mm, no."

"Ha ha, right. Why am I even asking that? You're Mr. Strong and Silent with the sexy low monotone voice."

Berwald blinked.

"…Sexy?"

"Ah…" Tino's face was color changing to match the roses in his bouquet "Er, did I say sexy? I meant, um…actually yes, I did mean sexy. ANYWAYS, let's go over to the shuttle before I say anything else embarrassing."

Tino took Berwald by the arm and gently pulled the taller man over to the romantically lit transport shuttle where the other comedians were sitting with their dates. His stomach turned into knots when he saw that each couple had their own plush pink love seat.

"Oh my, well, isn't this…cozy?"

"Yah," Berwald agreed as they both sat down just centimeters away from each other.

_Holy fish sticks, I'm so close to him! And he looks like he wants to kill me…_

"So um…" Tino took a deep breath in and clasped his trembling hands "How are you tonight?"

"I'm…" there was a long pause as Berwald folded his hands and looked down at his feet "I'm…sorry."

"You…wait, what?"

"I'm sorry," Berwald repeated, his laser sharp stare not leaving his shoes "…for scaring ya. Didn't mean t'…just, that night, coming back from th' war…listening t' ya was th' first thing that made me happy in a long time."

"R-…" Tino turned his head to the side, fear slowly converting into confusion "Really?"

"Wanted t' see ya again…but I made ya scream the next night. Wanted t' explain…Nh, never mind. I'm sorry t' have frightened ya. Thank ya Tino, for…for everything."

Before Tino could figure out what he meant, Berwald stood up and started to walk off the shuttle. Without thinking, the comedian jumped up and grabbed the taller man's hand.

"Wait!" Tino called as he pulled his date back "Wait, please don't go! Please, I'm not frightened of ya!"

Berwald turned around to look back at Tino. The comedian failed to suppress a small yelp as those sharp blue eyes locked on his own.

"Ah! Ha ha, okay. Maybe I'm a little bit frightened, but only because it looks like you're mad at me. Um, but…" Tino pulled the both of them back down into their seat "I take it you're not mad…at me?"

"No."

"Oh, well, okay then! See, just a misunderstanding, yah? Besides I would hate to lose the opportunity to spend an evening with a thoughtful, handsome war hero."

"Hm," Tino could've sworn he saw a flash of pink light up the taller man's face as he turned away. "Thanks. Yer...th' best."

Tino couldn't keep himself from smiling. _Ya know, now that I realize he's not angry with me, I can't help but think that he's kind of adorable. I always dreamed about being with somebody who is strong on the outside but shy and sincere on the inside. Tee hee! What am I thinking? This is silly! I haven't felt this silly since high school! Quick Tino, start making small talk before ya think any more silly things._

"So, do you like, um...ice swimming?"

"Nh," Berwald held out his robotic hand "Don't think this 'nd ice water would get along very well."

"Oh my gosh! I completely forgot about that. I suck! I'm sorry Berwald, what a thoughtless comment I made. I didn't mean to remind ya about...Holy moly, I'm so embarrassed."

Berwald waved it off " 's fine. Wasn't so bad. When I shot it off my whole arm went numb, so it didn't bother me until the mission was over."

Tino's jaw dropped. "Ya...ya shot your own hand off?!"

"Had to. Th' pictonians hit me. Had to shoot it off before I turned all th' way into one of them."

"HOLY LOVE! And ya just...ya just kept going on your mission like nothing happened?"

"Had to. Needed to hold off the enemy while th' kids were evacuated from th' school building."

Tino was shocked frozen. "Ya shot your hand off...and then helped save a school full of children?"

"I guess yah."

"HOLY MARTIN LANTERN FISH! I just...I should be paying for a date with YOU! In fact...in fact, I will. I am! I, I mean...would ya want to go out again? After this? Get coffee or something?"

Berwald stared at Tino with wide, surprised eyes "...Really?"

"Yah! I mean...if ya wanted to, that is."

"I want to. When do ya want to go?"

"Let's go now!" Tino exclaimed, slightly intoxicated with giddiness as he jumped to his feet "Let's go, Berwald the war hero!"

Excited and not thinking a bit about what he was doing, Tino grabbed Berwald's hand and pulled him out of the seat. Leaving the luxury shuttle behind, the two of them ran off hand-in-hand out into the dark, foggy evening air.


	10. Intentions Unknown

**Sorry that this chapter is kind of dialogue heavy and…bizarre. Yep. Anyways, I am very thankful for all the follows and views and reviews and stuff. Your support definitely makes it easier and more fun for me to write. Love all around!**

Tino had tears of laughter streaming down his face as the 'game over' sequence played on the holographic projector.

"Ha ha ha! Ah, ha ha, well THAT was an interesting approach to stopping the empire's cavalry of cyborg horses. Ha ha, ya have a silly since of humor Mr. Berwald."

"Hm," Berwald set down the game controller and turned to look at Tino "The objective just said t' keep _the enemy_ from eating th' giant chocolate éclair. It didn't say that other people couldn't eat it."

"Ha ha...ah yeah. I'm sure the general is fine with that. 'Oh yah, it's okay that the overlord's bride was eaten because at least she wasn't eaten by cyborg horses!'"

"Says th' man who wrote a video game featuring an overlord engaged to a chocolate éclair."

"Ha ha, fair enough. Ah man, that was still funny though," Tino took a deep breath in and leaned back on the couch. "Golly, I can't even remember the last time I laughed so hard. I haven't had this much fun in ages."

"Really? Figured ya would be laughing all th' time."

"Ah man, I wish," Tino sighed and closed his eyes "No, to be honest with ya, I've been stressed and anxious for such a long time now."

"Anxious? Why?"

"Well, ya see," Tino covered his mouth as he yawned "I have anxiety disorder which sort of makes it harder for me to be entertaining. And then people notice and comment on how my routine isn't as good as it used to be and then it just makes me more anxious. Kind of like some terrible loop or something. I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling ya all this. Probably seems like a silly concern compared to what ya had to deal with on the battle field and stuff."

"Nh," Berwald shook his head "Not silly at all. Ya support your family with that job."

"Oh man," Tino covered his face with a throw pillow "Don't remind me."

"I don't think yer less entertaining though. Listening to yer jokes always makes me happy."

Tino took the pillow off of his face and smiled "Thanks Berwald. Hey, if my jokes can make an ultra-manly and heroic war hero happy then that's reason enough for me to keep going." Tino opened his eyes and glanced at Berwald before breaking out into a fit of laughter.

"Hm?"

"HA HA HA! I'm sorry, I know this is weird but I just imagined what ya would look like dressed as a chocolate éclair. Ha ha!"

Berwald raised an eyebrow "That sounds...terrifying. Think I'd be afraid of a chocolate éclair with m' face on it."

"No, no, it'd be-" Tino could barely stop laughing "No, you'd look really cute, because your face is always so sincere and serious that it'd just be-HA HA HA HA HA!"

"I see..." Berwald watched bemusedly as he watched Tino dissolve into laughter again.

_Tino is adorable. Kind of want to find a chocolate éclair costume now that way I can get him t' laugh this much again..._

"Holy Lantern Fish!" Tino exclaimed as he suddenly stopped laughing and jumped to his feet. "I just got a crazy idea! Here, follow me to the bedroom."

_...BEDROOM?!_

An alarm went off in Berwald's head and his face started blinking red like an emergency beacon. His heart started speeding up in expectation as Tino disappeared into the dark hallway.

_Nh, wait! Stop it, STOP IT!_ Berwald told himself as he whacked the side of his own face. _Get yer brain out of th' gutter Berwald. There's lot's of things t' do in a bedroom besides...Anyways, Tino is NOT that kind of man._

_...Although if he is..._ Berwald speculated as he straightened his shirt collar and followed Tino down the hall. _...then I suppose it's a good thing I wore m' boxers with blue flame patterns on th' side. Flaming boxers __**are**__ attractive._

"Okay, here," Tino opened up a large cabinet "There's something I want to try. First, put these on."

Berwald's eyes widened as Tino handed him a pair of pink fuzzy bunny ears. The alarm in his head started going off again.

_This is turning out to be even kinkier than I thought_! Berwald noted as he slipped the pink, fuzzy headband on_. Didn't think that Tino would be one for costumes 'nd such. Not that I mind, it's kinda cute. Strange, but cute._

"Tee hee!" Tino's eyes sparkled as he covered his hand with his mouth "Ah that's cute. Okay, now, sing 'You're my cuddle-bundles snugly boo, ya make my heart jump like a kangaroo."

_...__very__ strange._

"Yer m'…cuddle-bundles snugly boo, ya make m' heart jump like a…kangaroo?"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Tino collapsed onto the bed with laughter "That's perfect! Oh my goodness, you're absolutely perfect. Ah man, this is great!"

_I'm...confused. He's in bed now, does he want me to join him? Or does he want to put me in shackles or something first?_

"Okay," Tino sat up and sniffed as he tried to dry his eyes with his sleeve "So I know this is probably a strange question to ask since we haven't known each other all that long, but you're just so perfect that I have to ask it. It's okay if ya say no though. Or if ya need time to think about it."

Berwald could barely hear over the alarm bells going off in his brain. "Mmhm?"

"Would ya, would ya want to be my partner in stand up comedy?"


	11. Return of Reason

Tino woke up the next morning feeling warm and fuzzy all over, but he couldn't immediately figure out why.

"Hah," Tino yawned as he stretched "Didn't even change into my pajamas…"

He stared blankly at the sleeves of his dress shirt, trying to recollect what he'd been up to the night before.

_Why am I dressed like…? Oh yeah! The charity auction…and the date…I-_ Tino froze as he heard a robotic female robotic voice starting to talk in his head.

Good Morning Tino. This is your brain speaking to you. Before you begin your day, I should remind you of several recent developments.

#1. The individual who won the bid for a date with you last night was "Berwald", the audience member with a terrifying face and a smoking hot body.

#2. Through questioning you confirmed that even though Berwald's facial expression makes it look like he wants to kill you, he does not have murderous intentions.

#3. Impressed by his heroism and masculinity, you took him home and then proceeded to play video games with him.

"…proceeded to-?"

"Video games" is not a euphemism for anything. You were trying to impress him with your programming skills and so you showed him the game you wrote about cyborg horses and a chocolate éclair.

"Oh yah!" Tino beamed "Wait, did it work?"

Apparently your efforts to impress Berwald were successful. He agreed to be your partner in stand-up-comedy. Congratulations.

"Yeus!" Tino cheered "Ah this is so fantastic! We're going to be the best team ever! This will totally get my career back on track, I'm so happy!"

I see you're extremely hopeful and optimistic about this. Feelings of self-doubt and nervousness will initiate in 3,2,1-

"Whoa, wait, NO! That's not what I want-"

The room was filled with sickly, boiling green ooze. Both Positive Tino and Fearful Tino stood on a shaky wooden raft that was slowly starting to get pulled under.

Fearful Tino: AIHHHH I knew it! I knew it wouldn't work. We can't trust some random attractive guy to help us get our career back on track so we can continue to support our family! We don't even know him! He could be secretly evil and manipulative like Prince Hans from Frozen!

Positive Tino: What? Berwald's not a sociopathic prince. He's a strong yet sensitive war hero! That's not even a good comparison.

Fearful Tino: Sure it is! They both have sideburns.

Positive Tino: What? What does that have to do with anything?

Reasonable Tino: I agree. That argument doesn't even make sense.

Fearful Tino and Positive Tino: REASONABLE TINO!?

Positive Tino: Gosh, I haven't seen ya in ages, Reason!

Fearful Tino: We thought ya had been eaten by the boiling, green ooze!

Reasonable Tino: Nah, not eaten. Just submerged.

Positive Tino: Ah. See? Reason is back! This is proof that things are already getting better, yah?

Fearful Tino: Are ya kidding? The green ooze just gave him back so that it could swallow all three of us at once!

Reasonable Tino: Ya both are being silly! Don't ya remember what Dr. Roman Empire told us? How we need to think things through before we conclude anything? It's too soon to judge about Berwald either way, so calm down. Fear, Berwald doesn't fit the profile of a sociopath. Optimism, it's generally not the best practice to invite men ya barely know over to your apartment.

Positive Tino: Oh, whoops. Heh heh, guess I wasn't thinking.

Reasonable Tino: Ah well. Since Berwald already knows where ya live, ya might as well invite him over again so that I can fantasize about his sexy body while Optimism trains him in the art of stand up comedy.

Fearful Tino: AIHHH!

PositiveTino: Tee hee, Berwald is pretty cute, yah?

Fearful Tino: **AIHHHH!**


	12. Man of M' Dreams

"Oh Berwald," Tino sighed as he folded his arms across Berwald's back "You're such a man. I always feel so safe and happy with ya. All my worries just disappear."

Berwald gently brushed his lover's fluffy blonde hair back and placed a soft kiss on his forehead "Ya don't have to worry about anything ever again m' love. I'll always take care of ya. Yer th' most important thing in th' world t' me."

"Really?"

"Mmhm."

"Oh Berwald, I love ya so much."

"I love ya too, Tino."

"I also love all of our adopted lantern fish babies."

"Yah," Berwald looked up, not questioning why their bed was at the bottom of the ocean or how they were both breathing underwater. "Yah, I love them too."

"You have one new message."

"Hm?" Berwald looked back into his lover's eyes.

"You have one new message from - Tino."

_Why is Tino telling me that I have a new message...? Oh._ Berwald blinked as the ocean disappeared and the dream faded, leaving him alone and holding a pillow in his arms.

"Just a dream..." Berwald muttered, closing his eyes and gently stroking the top of the pillow in his arms, wishing that the cotton fabric would somehow melt back into Tino's silky, blonde hair.

_So cute..._ thought Berwald as he clutched his pillow closer to himself and pulled the blanket over his head. _Please let me go back..._

"You have one new message from - Tino."

Berwald sat up and snatched his glasses off of the bed stand.

_That's right. I don't have to dream. Tino wants me to be his partner in stand up comedy! I still can't believe it. Don't know how in the galaxy he thinks I can be funny, but if he says I can then I trust him! Tino can make anything hilarious. Tino is amazing. And now I'll get to spend a lot of time with him. This is great!_

Popcorn kernels of happiness were bursting inside of Berwald's brain as he picked up his computer and read the message.

-Good morning Mr. Masculinity! Ha ha! Want to come over so we can practice and stuff?-

Rosiness arose in Berwald's face. _Mr. Masculinity? Hm, I __like__ that name. Would he still call me that if he knew about m' secret love of sewing? Wait, does that mean I should come up with a nickname for him too? What should I call him?_

After a good ten minutes of brainstorming Berwald decided that he should not call Tino **any** of the nicknames he'd thought of, such as "Cutie Cuddles" "Snuggle Plushie" or "M' Wife", until they'd been married for at least a month. He decided to send this message instead.

-Sounds good. Be there soon.-

"Hm," Berwald frowned. Gosh dang it, he wasn't very good at sweet talking.

_What can I do instead to make him feel special?_

You could bring him a present, Berwald's brain suggested. Pick him up something small but thoughtful on the way over.

Berwald nodded. That was a good plan. A glimmer of inspiration came to his eyes as he flipped through the memories of last night.

_I know just the thing,_ thought Berwald as he slid out of bed and mentally smiled to himself. _This is going to be perfect._


	13. Making Connections

**I'm so sorry this chapter took so long. It had to be rewritten a few times .* Thank you all for your patience and support. Hopefully you guys can get some laughs out of this one : )**

"Holly jolly PUNCH! Holly jolly PUNCH! Now jog, jog in place! Get that Christmas spirit pumping through your veins! Can you feel it?"

"Yah, I can totally feel it!"

Berwald stood on Tino's doorstep with his hand hovering hesitantly over the doorbell.

_What...what am I hearing right now?_

"Now prance! Prance like a reindeer! Prance so hard it makes your nose glow red. Is your nose glowing?"

"Like a cherry tomato!"

Berwald raised an eyebrow. He was facing a dilemma. On the one hand, this was kind of an entertaining dialogue and it would be highly amusing to stand and listen for a while. On the other hand, if he waited out here for too long his present for Tino might melt.

_...I'm not entirely sure of what to do._

"Turn up the heat! Heat it up! Set a fire and get those chestnuts roasting! Are your chestnuts roasting yet?!"

"Absolutely! My chestnuts are burning like never before!"

Berwald's face went ablaze as he reached forward and punched the door alarm. That was it. That was the limit. There was no way he'd be able to learn the ways of stand up comedy if he was thinking about Tino's burning chestnuts.

"Holy moly, Berwald is here!"

Berwald sighed with relief as he heard the sound of approaching. Hopefully this would be the end of overwhelmingly sensual mental images.

The door opened.

Whoops, scratch that. Tino was sweaty, panting and dressed in a skintight peppermint-striped spandex work out suit. It suffices to say that Berwald was most grateful that he himself was in loose-fitting jeans and not tight spandex pants.

"Heh heh, sorry about that! Ya caught me working out. Didn't know ya would be able to get over here so quickly. Please come in!"

"I see," Berwald stepped inside "Sounds like a fun workout."

"Oh yah, it's lots of fun! It's this workout simulation called 'Christmas Cardio Crunch', because what better motivational spirit is there than holiday spirit, ha ha ha!"

"Hm," Berwald nodded as he held a small white box out to Tino "Here. Thought ya might like this."

"Snack?" Tino's eyes lit up as he caught sight of the bakery logo and accepted the box. "Sweet Scented Candles! You're attractive, heroic AND you're going to feed me? What part of heaven did ya fall from?"

Berwald's mind was too much of a melted mush to think of a response to that, so he just blushed brightly and stared at his shoes while Tino lifted the lid off of the box.

"Is this-? Ha ha, it is a chocolate éclair! Good to see ya got a replacement bride for the overlord. Ha ha ha! Ah, that's silly."

Berwald smiled inside. Huzzah! Tino had gotten the joke. That was good. Otherwise it would've been really awkward and random.

"Thank ya Berwald! We should both eat this for lunch later. Here, let me put this in the fridge and I'll show ya what ya can do while I take a shower."

Tino led him over to the coffee table by the couch. On top of the table were several random objects: a plastic hippopotamus, a plastic can of toothpicks, a pair of nail clippers, two blue scrub brushes and a Magic 8 Ball.

"Part of comedy is being able to come up with relationships between two seemingly unrelated things, yah? So what I want ya to do is to pretend that these objects are characters and have them interact. I know it sounds crazy, but it is a great way to practice making connections."

"Ah," Berwald blinked as he sat down on the couch and stared at the objects. "...Alright. I'll do my best."

Tino beamed and patted Berwald on the back "You're going to be great. I can't wait to see what you come up with!"

Berwald scratched his head as Tino left to take a shower. He wasn't too sure what he'd expected Tino to want him to do today, but it wasn't this. He hadn't played with toys since he was 10 years old, and at 17 he'd enlisted in the military. So for the past several years he'd been pretty serious. This was quite a different mind frame that he was trying to get into.

He picked up the two blue scrub brushes off of the table and stared at them.

Blue scrub brush #2: Hi. I'm a scrub brush.

"Yah," Berwald replied "I know that."

Blue scrub brush #2: Scrub brushes don't normally talk.

"No," Berwald agreed, "No they don't."

Blue scrub brush #2: I'm not actually a scrub brush. I'm a talk show host that got turned into a scrub brush.

"I see."

Blue scrub brush #2: By a magical salamander.

"Hm. That is unfortunate."

Blue scrub brush #2: And this-

Berwald made Blue scrub brush #2 nod in the direction of its counterpart.

Blue scrub brush #2: ...Is my wife. We're hiring that hippopotamus over there to build us a log cabin out of toothpicks.

By the time Tino got out of the shower, Berwald was so absorbed in his narrative that he didn't even notice the comedian walk back in the room.

Blue Scrub brush #2: Hippo, we want you to rebuild our house. The first one you made is too small and that alligator over there keeps chomping it to pieces.

The nail clippers chopped away furiously at the toothpick log cabin, sending splinters everywhere.

Hippo: No. I will not rebuild that house for you. It is not my real destiny to be a house builder. My real destiny is to EXPLORE ANOTHER GALAXY!

The hippo hopped onto the empty toothpick can and rocketed into space. Then one of the engines failed and the hippopotamus crash landed back onto the coffee table.

Blue scrub brush #2: We are not impressed with you.

Blue scrub brush #1: Honey, I think we should introduce him to our lawyer.

Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good for YOU, pal!

The Magic 8 Ball rolled straight at the hippopotamus, sending him flying off the table and landing on the floor with a squeak.

Tino applauded, tears of laughter streaming from his eyes. Berwald jumped and spun around, surprised to see that the other man had been in the room.

Positive Tino: Ha ha ha ha ha! See? I told ya he was the perfect choice.

Fearful Tino: Eeek! I don't know if I trust him with sharp objects like nail clippers.

Reasonable Tino: Holy moly! I'm hiring the Magic 8 Ball next time I get into legal trouble. Ya hardly come by good lawyers like that any more.

**The exercise was actually adapted from something I read in a book called "Everything You Need to Know About Comedy". Or...something like that. I don't remember exactly what it was called and to be honest I didn't read it all the way through ^-^' Research is useful, but reading free murder mysteries on my kindle is more fun. It's important to have fun when you can, yeah?**


	14. Hope and Despair

Tino was humming a happy song to himself as he opened the door to Dr. Roman Empire's office. Then he jumped as loud celebration music blared over the speakers.

"What in the sweet name of salty licorice is going on here?!" Tino cried as he clamped his hands over his ears. A rainstorm of streamers fell down from the ceiling as Dr. Roman Empire leaped into the center of the room. Tino could see his therapist's lips moving but the music was too loud for him to understand what was being said.

"I CAN'T HEAR YA-aghh!" Tino yelled, choking as a piece of confetti flew into his mouth. "Gahgk! Ugh..."

The music stopped, leaving only a low buzz echoing in Tino's ears as Dr. Roman Empire's voice called from what sounded like miles away.

"Sorry about that Tino my friend! I just wanted to congratulate you on scoring with such a wonderfully chiseled piece of war hero. I was so happy when I saw that he was the one to win the date with you! It was the best!"

"What?!" Tino jumped back a bit in surprise "Wait, who told ya about that?"

"Nobody, Silly!" Dr. Roman Empire laughed "I was there!"

"Ya were at the auction?"

"Of course! Who did you think made the first bid for 10 credits?"

"You...wait, ya were the one who made that bid? Why?"

"Well, to be honest, I was more than a bit worried about you ever since you had the incident where you got three punch lines wrong in a row and then ran off the stage with tears streaming down your face. I thought maybe nobody would want to pay to go on a date with you after that, so I made a bid myself that way I could be there for you in that rock bottom moment."

"Ah," Tino looked down at his feet, shame creeping in as he remembered the crying and running off the stage "Ah...well. Um, thanks, I guess. For thinking of me, heh."

"But you didn't need it!" Dr. Roman Empire clapped him on the back "You were able to charm a tall, strong Swedish stallion, excellent work! Here, I got this present that you two will soon be having use for."

"Ah...thank ya?" Tino's round, rosy face took on a confused expression as he accepted a box in rainbow striped wrapping paper. He removed the lid and his eyes bulged. "Shackles and a riding crop!? And...is that a handheld smoothie mixer? What would that-oh Holy Moly, I can't think about it!"

"I included a pack of batteries for the smoothie mixer, although I'm sure the two of you have plenty of electricity generated anyways eh?" Dr. Roman Empire beamed as he sat back down on his leather rolling chair. "Seeing such passion makes me so happy! It reminds me of the empire's golden days."

"Um," Tino squinted at the box with a perplexed expression as he fell back onto the couch "Uh, actually...I don't...we haven't...We're still just friends, ya see-"

"Just friends? No sweet lovemaking in the moonlight?"

"Uh no, I mean...I don't know what I mean."

Positive Tino: Ya mean 'not yet'. ; )

"Ah well, plenty of time for that later. So tell me Tino, how have ya been managing your job and your anxiety disorder? Things worse? Better? About the same?"

"Better!" Tino beamed "Oh so much better. Berwald has been doing super well with the comedy training and stuff. We're actually going to do a test run for my agents tomorrow. I think they'll really like it. We play off of each other really well!"

"Comedy training?" Dr. Roman Empire raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Oh right, I forgot to tell ya! I asked Berwald to become my partner in stand up comedy at the end of our first date together, and he agreed!"

"We're talking about the same Berwald, right? The tall hunk of muscle that doesn't smile and could slice concrete with his laser stare?"

"Yep!" Tino nodded "You wouldn't think it at first, but Berwald actually has a great sense of humor. And a lot of things that aren't normally funny are funny when he's saying them. Like he started singing, hee hee, 'Pink Sparkle Snuggle Fluff ' the other day in his low monotone voice and with that same serious expression on his face and, ha ha ha! Ah, just thinking about that makes me laugh."

Dr. Roman Empire smiled "That would be kind of funny. Well this is great Tino! You seem to have found something you'd been missing for a while!"

"Missing?" Tino turned his head to the side "What was missing?"

"Hope," Dr. Roman Empire replied "For a long time there you didn't seem to think that there was a way you could bring your act back together. You didn't have any faith in yourself that you'd be able to do the job you need to in order to support your family. But now you're positive and hopeful and you sound ready to try new things! This is wonderful! I'm so happy for you."

Tino smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head "Ha ha! Ya know, I hadn't thought about it that way, but yah! You're right, I do have hope again, and it feels so nice. Berwald isn't just a war hero, he's my hero too! Although, gosh, I feel kind of bad. He's already given me so much, I wish I had something to give back to him."

"You probably already do," Dr. Roman Empire noted "You must have done something for Berwald for him to go to such great lengths to score a date with you."

"Hmm..." Tino put his hand on his chin and closed his eyes.

_"...coming back from th' war…listening t' ya was th' first thing that made me happy in a long time."_

"The first thing that made him happy..." Tino repeated softly "Huh, that's weird though. He hasn't talked a lot about how the war made him unhappy. I don't know if I really made that big of a difference."

"Just because he hasn't said anything doesn't mean he hasn't had problems," Dr. Roman Empire commented as he made a note on his clipboard "He might be ashamed or nervous to tell you about it. He might be worried it'd make you think he was crazy or something."

"What?!" Tino laughed "_Me_, think _he_ was crazy? Oh no way, does he know how crazy I am, drowning in anxiety over any little thing? I'm as crazy as they come! I wouldn't think he was crazy no matter what problems he had. I hope he knows that. Does he know that? I mean, after all Berwald's helped me out with, I would hope he'd let me know if he had a problem, that way I could help him too..."

...

Berwald was humming the tune to "Pink Sparkle Snuggle Fluff" as he walked back into the living room. These past couple of weeks had been beyond awesome. Life had turned into an ongoing round of the fun-sillies. He snickered silently as he remembered the part of the routine they'd been working on.

_"...make my start up in the fragrance industry!"_

_"With dog cologne?"_

_"No no, see, the bottle has a picture of a white, fluffy puppy on it to let people know that it will make them smell soft and cuddly!"_

_"Ah."_

_"I thought of a great appealing name for it too. I'm calling it "Breeze of Bloody Flower Egg." Isn't that romantic and appealing?"_

_"...think I understand why ya didn't get that naming job in the scented candle industry."_

_"Really? Why?"_

_"Yer...overqualified..."_

Berwald shook his head as he sat down in front of the holovision set. Silly Tino. Tino always made his day brighter. There was no situation that Tino couldn't-

"And now for the weather forecast of this obscure outpost station. This evening there is a sixty-percent chance of some moderate meteor showers. Those showers should clear up early tomorrow morning, just in time for a 100% chance of a pictonian ambush. Stacy, is here with us now on the scene. Stacy?"

The view switched to the outside of the outpost. A microphone-wielding pictonian tilted its head to the side as a group of scientists ran screaming away from the advancing swarm.

"Oh, looks like that ambush came a little earlier than expected. Our meteor shower forecast should be correct though. You're watching Interplanetary Weather at-"

The reporter's voice faded out as Berwald's holovision screen morphed into a pile of burning rubble. No longer was he standing in the safety of his apartment. Now he was in the middle of a burning city where innocent civilians shrieked in horror as the swarm stumbled towards them.

"BER, RUN!"

"Mom?!" Berwald spun around to see his mother being dragged away by a couple of pictonians.

"It's too late for me, save yourself!"

Berwald disregarded his mother's pleas and instead ran straight for her assailants. Except something solid had materialized in midair and flung him back onto the carpet.

_Carpet?_

Berwald was back in his apartment, blood sliding down the side of his face as he looked up through broken glasses as the now-dented wall.

"Nh, Mom?" he called again, coughing blood out of his throat as he tried to lift himself up to his knees. "Mom? Ya alright?"

Reasonable Berwald: Ya don't remember?

"Remember what?"

Reasonable Berwald: Mom and Dad were taken by the swarm years ago, before ya even joined the military. Ya never saw them get carried away by the pictonians. Ya were away at high school when th' attack happened.

"...Yer right. What happened to my apartment though? That made no sense."

Reasonable Berwald: Nothing happened t' yer apartment.

Worried Berwald: Then...what happened...to me?

Reasonable Berwald: Ya know exactly what happened t' ya, Corporal Oxenstierna. Ya can lie t' th' psychiatrist all ya want. Ya can lie t' yerself too. But it won't change the truth. You're suffering from Post Traumatic Str-

"No, no I'm not."

Reasonable Berwald: Yes ya are. Ya have the symptoms.

"No. I'm not that weak. These kind of things can't get t' me."

Reasonable Berwald: It's not about being weak. Yer sick and ya need to stop letting your pride getting in the way of treatment.

"No, I can't go in and get treatment. If Tino knew about this he would probably think I was crazy 'nd be afraid of me."

Reasonable Berwald: Alright, now yer just being stupid. Tino is a sweet guy. He wouldn't be scared of ya if he knew-

A dull white tentacle wrapped around Reasonable Berwald's neck and threw him against the wall, where he collapsed next to Hopeful Berwald, who had recently been taken out in a similar manner. As Berwald's feelings of horror grew stranger, more white tentacles sprouted on the walls of his mind, smothering him in despair. Defeated and afraid, Berwald dragged himself into the corner of the living room and curled up on the floor, blue eyes staring vacantly into a void of emptiness.

Despairing Berwald: It's no use. I'll never be able t' overcome these feelings. It'd be best for everyone involved if I just laid here 'til I turn to dust 'nd fade away.

A few feet away from him, Berwald's computer started to light up with messages.

-Hey Fearless Hero! Ya still want to come over and practice tonight? I thought I might try cooking dinner for us, so ya might want to bring a fire extinguisher, ha ha!-

-Also, do ya know if pasta is supposed to turn purple when ya boil it?-

-Hey, guess what? Grape juice is not the best substitute for water when you're boiling noodles. Who would have known?-

-It was tonight ya were coming over, right? Am I remembering this right? Ah, you're probably just on your way, aren't ya? See ya soon, Super Stud!-

-Berwald, is everything okay? Is the traffic bad? If ya want we can meet tomorrow, no problem! I hope everything is okay.-

-...Is it the grape juice noodles? Don't worry. I promise ya if ya come over I'll just order a pizza or something. Do ya like anchovy pizza? I love it!-

-Berwald? Are ya okay? Ya didn't get sick or hurt or something, did ya?-

_Tino..._ thought Berwald as he watched the messages flash by in front of him. _...I'm so sorry._

**Dudes! I am so so so so so so so very x 500 sorry for how long this chapter took. And that it was an angst-filled chapter when it finally did get posted. I'm just not writing as quickly as I used to. But I promise I will not leave you without a conclusion. I will finish this story, just like I finished all my others, no matter how long it takes. Thank you for your support. Next chapter should be quicker to write and much more cheerful.**


	15. Overriding Reason

Tino's insides cringed as he stared at the empty message folder. He sighed and started walking around in circles in his living room.

"Don't worry Tino," he told himself "No need to get worked up. He's probably just running late, yah? Maybe it's just weird to me because he's always been on time before. Maybe something happened that he couldn't control, like bad traffic or something."

Fearful Tino: Or maybe something bad and awful and terrible happened to him and now Berwald's all alone and in deep despair!

Reasonable Tino: I think you're overreacting-

Positive Tino: Berwald is in trouble? Off we go then! Let's find our heroic, handsome husband-to-be and help him out! We'll do anything we can to help Berwald.

Fearful Tino: We better leave soon then! Gah, I'm so worried about him! Why hasn't he answered back?

Reasonable Tino: Ya both are way too worked up. What if ya go find him and all of it's been for nothi-EEEK!

Positive Tino and Fearful Tino looked guiltily at one another as they watched Reason fall down from the cliff they'd pushed him off of.

Fearful Tino: Um, sorry! Just, heh heh, ya know, have to go take care of Berwald, and everything...

Positive Tino: Ah no worries, Reason will find his way back. Now come on! We're going to find Berwald and help him out!

_Oh dear_, thought Fearful Tino as Tangible Tino ran out the door. _I just hope it isn't too late..._

**Sorry it's so short! More to come soon. Many thanks for all the support and everything : )**


	16. Keeping It Together

As Berwald came back to consciousness, the first thing he became aware of was somebody singing in an adorable, though somewhat frightened-sounding voice.

_"Please wake up...please wake up...please wake up my sweet Berwald. Please wake up...please wake up...so I know you're okay..."_

_? ? ?_ thought Berwald as his mind slowly climbed out of a deep sleep. The voice started singing a different tune.

_"I'm on the edge_

_Of a breakdown_

_Because I'm terrified I'm going to lose you_

_I'm on the edge_

_Of a breakdown_

_Won't ya open your dear eyes so blue_

_I'm on the edge-_OH NO I'M GOING OFF THE EDGE! BER-WALD!"

"Nh?" Berwald's eyes shot open to see Tino on the verge of tears.

"Ber-Berwald?!" Tino gasped as he grabbed Berwald's hand "Oh holy moly, you're awake. Oh lantern fish of love I'm so relieved!"

_Daww...I like holding hands with Tino._

Reasonable Berwald: ...How did Tino get inside m' apartment?

_That's a good question_, Berwald admitted to himself. _Another good question is why am I lying on the floor with my head propped up by a mound of pillows and m' face covered in wet washcloths?_

"I was worried when ya didn't show up tonight, and then I came here and I saw ya bleeding and bruised and unconscious and I nearly exploded into a full blown anxiety attack. I really thought I might lose ya!"

"I'm sorry," Berwald replied, frowning upon learning that he'd nearly sent Tino into an anxiety attack. "What can I do t' help ya with that?"

"Help...? Berwald, YOU'RE the one who is injured. How...do ya know how this happened? There's a dent in the wall over there and your glasses are broken. Did ya run into the wall?"

_Oh dear,_ thought Berwald as his memories of the episode returned.

"Yah," Berwald replied, eyes widening with horror, "Yah I did."

"Why did ya do that?"

"Didn't see it at th' time," answered Berwald with selective honesty.

"Ya didn't see it? How could ya not-?" Tino's face fell. "Oh...I see why. Oh Berwald..."

Worried Berwald: Nh! He found it out! He's going t' think I'm crazy and leave me forever! Quick, say something, anything!

"...Why didn't ya tell me?" Tino's gaze remained on the carpet as hid fluffy blonde hair fell in front of his sweet, round face. "...Although, I guess I should have figured."

Worried Berwald: Bad bad bad BAD!

"Tino, it's not-"

"Why didn't tell me ya were so tired? Ya should have just stayed home if ya were so worn out ya were crashing into walls and stuff."

Worried Berwald: Ba-...wait, what?

"But of course you're too good of a friend to do that, ya tried to attend practice anyway. And it wore ya out so much that ya ended up hurting yourself. Oh Berwald, I'm so sorry. I hadn't thought about how draining all this practice has been for ya, since ya already have a full time job at the spacecraft construction yard."

Reasonable Berwald: Nh...not quite. The truth is-

Worried Berwald: Sh! Don't tell him the truth, he'll think we're nuts! Just go with it.

"Practicing with ya isn't draining," Berwald replied "It was just an accident. I can still practice now-"

"No!" Tino blushed after realizing that he'd raised his voice "Er, sorry, I mean, heh-not a good plan. We're partners now, yah? And you're also my student. I wouldn't be much of a teacher or partner if I didn't make sure ya were okay. Speaking of which, I need to program you a stronger security lock. The one ya have now took me only thirty seconds to hack. That's not safe Berwald!"

Reasonable Berwald: Ah, that's how he got in.

"That really worries me Berwald! It'd be really easy for some strange person to get through your door and then indecently assault you."

_Oh, neat. I think Tino just said that the reason he broke into m' apartment is because he wanted to do something indecent t' me._

"Anyways, so…yah. I'm programming a stronger lock tomorrow."

…_And he wants t' lock me up. This just keeps getting better and better._

"…And then after that, if your face is healing okay, then we can practice."

_Hm, he has a commanding side to him. I like a man that knows how to take charge when th' time is right._

"Besides, if ya want to make my production team laugh, ya can just, tee hee, sing them 'Pink Sparkle Snuggle Fluff' like ya did the other day, ha ha ha!"

Berwald's heart started to glow as he watched Tino's expression turn into a bright, silly smile.

_Cute..._

_"Yer m' roly poly pillow pet-"_ Berwald found himself starting to sing _"And ya shimmer like th' sun."_

"Ha ha ha!" Tino's melodic laughter echoed off the apartment walls "How do ya sing that with a straight face? I still can't figure it out. That's amazing!"

_"Yer m' sparkle, fruity sprinkle light_

_On a sweet, sugary cinnamon bun."_

"Ha ha ha! That song has become manly just because you're singing it. Ah Berwald, so silly. This is why I can't have ya accidentally killing yourself by running into walls or have strange people breaking into your house and hurting ya. Ya always keep me smiling. I don't think I could bear to lose ya."

Berwald nodded as he looked back at Tino's bright, happy face. That was his motivation. He could keep it together for Tino. For Tino, Berwald could do anything.

Reasonable Berwald: Yer really not going to tell him?

_No. Tino needs me to be strong for him._

Reasonable Berwald: Tino cares about ya. He'd want t' know-

_NO._ Berwald pushed those thoughts away. He'd kept it together since the day his childhood home was destroyed by the Pictonians. Now that he'd found Tino, the one who he wanted to build his forever home with, it was more important for Berwald to keep it together than it had ever been before.

**Tino's second song was written to the tune of "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga. Also, I think Berwald should probably be a little concerned that Tino knows how to break into people's houses…**


End file.
